


To My Moon

by aishjinjaa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-27 11:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19789783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishjinjaa/pseuds/aishjinjaa
Summary: They were the odd pair and the inseparable couple. But when Johnny flew back to America, Taeil had to hold on to the last of what Johnny has left behind: a box of letters.





	To My Moon

Taeil stood outside the airport watching as the aircraft flew overhead, gliding through orange-hued clouds, tinted by the setting sun, gripping his phone as if he was willing to fight for it if someone attempted to take it. He watched with a heavy heart as the plane disappeared from view, finally taking Johnny out of sight. He sighed from deep in his chest, concentrating, trying hard not to cry. He wasn’t worried about being judged, or anything, he was outside the departure entrance for an airport, half of the people there felt heavy, some just stopped crying—he just didn’t want to. This was his idea, he made Johnny agree to it, and they both agreed that nothing about all this should make them sad. He looked down to look at his phone, still opened to Johnny’s text message before he had to turn his phone off.

_I have to turn off my phone now. I know we’ve agreed not to contact each other the moment I step on the plane—so, I’m sorry, but before I leave, I wanted to squeeze in one last I Love You._

_I love you, my moon. Always had, always will. But I guess this really is goodbye._

He felt a hand slowly go around his shoulder, and when he looked, it was Donghyuck with Mark, with Yuta and Taeyong missing—all of them had gone to see him off. The moment Hyuck looked at him, eyes still watery from crying, he figured, if Johnny can break one promise, maybe he can, too. He turned to _finally_ cry against the younger’s shoulder, quiet and painful, his tears just won’t stop. He wouldn’t even think about the fact that it would be weird for many people to make him cry. He looked like someone who wouldn’t cry—he had an undercut and his hair was dyed an outrageous shade of dark red. His piercings jutted out both from places you’d see and places you wouldn’t see, and his tattoos kept anyone who didn’t know him at bay.

Normally, Donghyuck would have started teasing him and laughing at him for crying, but not this time. This time, he just held the older as he continued to wet his shoulder with hot tears. Nothing is going to be the same.

—

When he got home, he immediately curled into his bed and snuggled against his blankets until the sky outside turned darker and darker. He awoke around midnight, his heartbeat pounded against his head as he decided to change to more comfortable clothes if he wanted to go to sleep. He walked around his room in the darkness before he turned his bathroom light on. He looked at his reflection in the mirror—messy hair, pale face, and red, swollen eyes. He immediately looked away and splashed water on his face before aggressively washing it with his cleanser before patting it out.

He padded around his room—their room, formerly—barefoot as he looked for the bear bedroom slippers that he used quite a lot—the one Johnny had given him a year ago for his birthday. He walked around, back and forth, before he finally knelt and tried to reach for it under his bed, still in the darkness. His hand hit something else, however, and he decided to drag it out from under the bed. It was a slightly dusty, beige box with Johnny’s name written on it.

Slowly, he opened it and found paper—lots of them. Some were slightly colored, some were lined, some were dotted, some were plain, some were even receipts. But all of them had things written on them: they were letters. All dated differently, some were even written before they had started dating.

_Dear Moon,_

_Dear Moon,_

_Dear my Moon,_

_My darling Moon,_

_Dear Moon_

All of them. Countless letters. Letters he’d never seen before. All for him.

_**October 18, 2010** _

_Moon,_

_I’m sorry if we have to communicate through letters—I know it seems medieval. But I’m going to convince everyone soon, they’ll see what I see in you and then we won’t have to hide our friendship. Why should they care if a 16-year-old has piercings? Lots of people have piercings, I have a piercing. Taeyong has them, Ten has loads of them. Maybe it’s the tattoos but I don’t understand it either—it’s just ink on skin, it’s just art on the body instead of a piece of paper or cloth, it’s even more permanent and implies that they mean much more?_

_You’re an artist. I see the way your eyes shine when a chord progression deviates from the usual, I’ve seen you transpose songs you’ve heard once; I’ve seen you labor over your sheets—someone with so much passion can’t be someone everyone thinks he is._

_And he doesn’t deserve to be shunned by a friend._

_While I write this, I realized, if I think you’re so awesome, why would I hide my friendship with you? To hell with them, I’m not going to give you this letter. I will keep your number; I will memorize it if I have to. You can text me, call me, come over any time. Well maybe except classes or when I’m sleeping. Ask me first._

_Suh_

—

The moment they met the first time, Johnny had been playing _Claire de Lune_ at the music room. It had been too quiet, the way he played so when Taeil burst in—aggressive looking with his wild blond hair, it took everything in Johnny not to fall from his chair.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” he apologized quietly, rushing over to Johnny as an attempt to help him balance himself on the chair.

“Oh, you just startled me, that’s quite alright.” He smiled kindly—a gesture that both startled and confused boy. No one in the school talked to him as kindly as this boy has. A school for goody-two-shoes gifted people, many people sneered and turned their noses up when they saw Taeil’s mop of wild, blond hair, piercings, and tattoos—all that at sixteen years old. He would get rid of the hair and the piercings, but they all acted like they were all above him just because they had “cleaner” features that he just kept them to spite and annoy them.

“I’m sorry I disturbed you, I just thought no one else would be here.” Taeil usually spoke coldly to people but he was so taken aback by the other boy that he unintentionally dropped the mean boy act. “I’ll leave you, then.”

“No!” the other boy stopped him, standing from where he sat, startling Taeil at how tall he stood. He was at least a head taller than Taeil. “Do you use the room at this hour, usually? I’m new, so I didn’t really know. Please—I can use the room another time.”

 _He’s new._ Maybe that’s why he wasn’t mean to Taeil. But that didn’t make sense, people didn’t have to _know_ Taeil to assume he was a no-good troublemaker. All they had to do was _look_ at him.

“No, no, you were playing so nicely, I don’t want to interrupt.”

The boy sat to play again but before Taeil could leave, he spoke up again. “I have this little arrangement that I did…” he started to play Claire de Lune again, softly. “It’s still Claire de Lune but I’ve made some minor overlaying but it needs four hands so I’ve never heard it live myself. Do you wanna try it out with me?” his other hand attempted to play some notes which weren’t originally part of Claire de Lune—it was most probably part of his arrangement—just a sneak peek. Taeil knew he should leave—he knew he should but his curiosity wouldn’t let him walk out.

That afternoon, he played the piano with a boy whose name, he eventually learned, was Johnny—continuously until the sunset. 

“That was my mom,” the boy smiled sheepishly as he hung up from his phone call. “I need to get home now, Taeil hyung,” Taeil thought he looked absolutely adorable as he practiced the name on his tongue. “Can I be your friend? I think you’re nice.”

It had been the most peculiar thing anyone has ever said to Taeil. 

—

_**March 27, 2012** _

_Moon,_

_Can you believe it? This place doesn’t even allow cell phones? How am I supposed to survive here? I know I promised you I’d call but I have no idea how to do that. I thought this was a leadership camp. Turns out this can be a cult recruitment camp. I really wanted to talk about the new album release, too bad we’d have to wait another week before we can start talking about it._

_Don’t talk to anyone else about it. I’ll know._ _You promised me you’d talk to me about it first._

_I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m so bored. I can’t play with the others they’re playing such weird games, and their taste in music sucks. I seriously wish you were here._

_Suh_

—

Johnny’s classmates gave him a weird look while they left their classroom as passed him by the hallway. Taeil tried to keep his chin up but the whispering and the sneering eventually got through him and he started staring at his feet. 

“Hyung!” Johnny all but crashed against him—always a bundle of joy. “Let’s eat, let’s eat, I’m hungry.” He was giggling, but he immediately frowned when he noticed Taeil’s expression. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” But Taeil didn’t need to answer. Three more of his classmates passed by them and started glaring at Taeil as they walked, catching the word “dirty” while they were walking away. “Hey!” Johnny tried to call out but Taeil held onto his wrist to stop him. “It’s okay.”

“No, hyung, it isn’t.”

“ _It is,_ ” he insisted. “Now let’s just go to lunch.”

—

“You’re seriously the best, hyung,” he took the other earphone bud and plugged it into his left ear as Taeil took the other one to put it on his right. “I missed this so much, I hated everyone from that camp,” Taeil smiled fondly, keeping his eye on the video that he tried to rewind for Johnny.

“Don’t say things like that,” he chastised affectionately. “You’d have to see them every year and if you continued to think of them that way, you’re sure to hate every single second you spend there.”

“How are you so smart? You’re _so smart,_ ” he commented as the video played. “Everything you say just makes sense.”

“You just believe in _everything_ I say,” he smiles softly, staring at Johnny’s long lashes as he focused his attention on the screen while he nods in agreement. “I do, don’t I?”

Johnny holds on to him for the entire duration of the video, while he occasionally bobbed his head in time with the music and as he occasionally turned to him with a shit-eating grin on his face, pleased with the video Taeil showed him.

“ _The harmonies,_ ” he sighs, holding his chest. “Hyung I wish I could sing so we could remake this,” he pouted as he handed the earphones back.

“You have a really nice voice, though,” he comments quietly, trying his best not to make it seem like he’s complimenting him too much. “I think it’ll complement mine.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Do you want it to be?”

Johnny laughed before turning his attention back to the song. He looked at Johnny intently—he was always visibly happy when he was with Taeil, but there’s this side to him. A hidden side that Taeil doesn’t even point out because Johnny himself doesn’t notice. There’s a passion deep inside him, something that adds fire to his joy and it shows whenever they talk about music. Taeil frowned in contemplation. “Should I just get my piercings removed, Johnny?”

He suddenly looked up. “Why?”

“People think you’re weird because you’re friends with me.”

“They don’t. And if they do, I don’t care.”

“Johnny,” he exhaled exasperatedly. “You’re friendly and nice, and talented. The teachers can’t just start assuming you’re a troublemaker just because you’re friends with me.”

“Hyung, no,” Johnny instinctively reached up to gently poke Taeil’s lip ring. “It’s their fault for rushing to conclusions. Not yours, you’re perfect.”

—

_**April 17, 2012** _

_Why did you do it? I almost didn’t recognize you. It wasn’t just the tattoos covered by the long-sleeved shirt, nor the piercings which were observably absent, nor was it the dark brown hair replacing the blond. It was you. You were wearing a skin that wasn’t yours. You weren’t comfortable with it but you kept assuring me you wanted it anyway. It frustrates me so much—why did they not make the effort of getting to know you? Why did they stop at your choices and assumed you were no good? They don’t even have any idea how kind you are. They don’t even know how goofy, how funny, how generous you are._

_They have no idea you’re doing all this—just for me. The one friend that you had._

_But I understand—I know why you felt like you needed to do it. I just hope that you remember that you can always be yourself with me._

_Suh_

—

He was out with Taeyong and Ten one night, drinking quietly at a bar while Taeil tried his best to go with whatever Ten suggested. He laughed because of their antics and listened intently when either one was talking. But he didn’t talk, he just listened and drank. It’s been 2 months ever since Johnny had flown to New York, and ever since he read some of the letters. He dusted the box, kept in on his table, and decided to read those one-by-one, but only when he needed to. When he felt like he couldn’t take it, or in moments when he would miss Johnny the most, he would take and read one, only to hear his voice in his mind again, only to see his jokes again, maybe—so he can talk to him another time. But he’s saving them. He may never see Johnny ever again, and even though Johnny had written _a lot,_ he would still run out soon if he read them all. Or at least until he moved on.

“You know the first time you broke his heart?” Ten suddenly turned to him, slurring his drunken words. 

“Huh?”

“ _Johnny,_ ” Ten enunciated. “You broke his heart once, and I don’t think you noticed.”

“When, then?” Taeil took another swig of his beer. In his almost 7 years of being Johnny’s boyfriend, he could say that they’d been in fights, they’d had disagreements, of course, just like any other couple would. But he couldn’t say they’d ever broken each other’s heart. “In 6 in a half years, I took care of that asshole’s heart, I made sure nothing happened to it. I loved him too much to even _think_ of hurting him.”

“Oh, this was before you were together.”

Taeil’s curiosity got the better of him, yet again. “So, when?”

“When we were Sophomores…Juniors, I think? You dyed your hair brown, you covered up your tattoos, and you removed your piercings.” Taeil’s heart suddenly beat harder, as he remembered that time. He remembered why he did it. He was in the restroom, listening to music and drawing in one of the cubicles when he overheard two of their teachers—Mr. Jin and Mr. Yoon—and they were talking about Johnny. They both were praising his talent at composition and how they thought he was going to make it so big—but they were fearing for him.

They were scared that he was going to the dirt because he befriended the dirty, no-good, tattooed, Taeil. They were scared that he may also be as rebellious as his friend.

“You looked good, don’t get me wrong,” Ten joked. “But honestly, it didn’t look like you _at all._ We didn’t know you outside of your wild hair colors. But it wasn’t what made him so sad,” Ten frowned. “He observed you so closely, that boy loved you even when he didn’t know it himself back then. So, he knew you weren’t comfortable with your own skin, he knew that you were so conscious, he took every single time you pulled your sleeves down to heart.”

He knew none of these but it was _so Johnny_ he could imagine everything vividly.

“Back then, he knew that you slid out of your own skin for him,” Taeyong added. “And when he had to leave, he knew you were breaking your own heart to make sure he gets to chase after his own dream with the memories of a perfect relationship. He knew you loved him so much to _ever_ hold him back.”

Taeil couldn’t stop a few tears from falling but he quickly swiped them with his finger. “I know you know how all of this mean to him but you don’t understand—I,” he took a shaky breath. “His composition, his love for music, his ambitions for writing and composing, it’s what brought us together in the first place. You should see the glint in his eyes when he likes what he hears, the way his lips absentmindedly pull up to a smile, it was _always_ so pretty, Taeyong,” he smiled bitterly, summoning Johnny’s smiling image in his mind. “This opportunity is once in a lifetime; I will always be here.”

“Why the break-up, though?”

Taeil frowned. “I know Johnny would never betray me while he’s over there, I know he wouldn’t cheat on me or anything, but I also know that he would probably meet other people who would completely share everything that he liked, someone who would never pull him back—and he should be free to do so without me weighing him down.”

“Would he meet anyone who would love him like you do, though?”

—

_**July 25, 2012** _

_To my dear Moon,_

_Electricity - a form of energy resulting from the existence of charged particles_

_It was a rush of energy then—what I felt when I held your hand for the first time. I was so scared; I was afraid of how you’d react. Do you have any idea how it felt like when you held mine, too? You know I hate feeling that way. I hate it when I sit for too long and I get that feeling—too much electricity across my limbs—I hate it._

_But I never seem to hate it when it came to you._

_There’s nothing harmful with a simple hand-holding, though. We’re still friends and nothing more. There’s no denying I want more, though. I hope you want more, too._

_Suh_

—

“Suh!” Johnny was visibly startled when Taeil ran up to him and hit the back of his head.

“Hyung,” he complained, groaning as he caressed the part that Taeil hit. Yuta had been practicing his penalty kicks and Johnny was on the sidelines, arranging his playlist while he waited for his friend. “What are you doing here?”

It had been days ever since the hand-holding thing happened and he was quite apprehensive that Johnny would feel awkward around him because of it. He had to diffuse the tension. “I saw you from up there,” he pointed to the topmost balcony of their building which housed the university theater as he sat down beside him. “Just got out of rehearsal.”

“How did it go?” he asked conversationally, putting Taeil at ease at the fact that he had managed to make him feel comfortable to hold a normal conversation with him. He knew Johnny. They’ve been friends for so long he probably knows him more than he even knew himself. Whenever he did something that far out of his comfort zone, he always beat himself up after and had a tendency of taking a step back to make sure that he doesn’t do anything that might make things worse. Taeil didn’t want that. He didn’t want him to move away, but he didn’t know how to express that himself.

“Eh,” he shrugged, taking out a notebook out of his bag. “We just had a rough skim of the script and some random reading exercises.” Taeil scooched nearer until their knees were touching and opened the notebook between the two of them. “Remember the thing you played the other day?”

“Yeah?” he leaned in attentively.

“I wrote this,” he showed Johnny the lyrics scrawled on the page. It may seem clean and organized but before this, he had sheets and sheets of messier scrawls. “It isn’t complete yet since I’ve only heard a small part of the song, but we can work on it together,” he offered with an enthusiastic smile.

Johnny’s eyes lightened up, and his eyebrows perked up. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he returned the smile—Johnny’s enthusiasm had always been infectious, and he always found himself being equally as enthusiastic as he was sometimes although he expressed it less. “Do you have the rest of the song?”

“I have most of it,” he nodded. “Well, I have completed it, but I think I need to change some parts—still don’t know how to do that.” He chuckled. “Although now, with the words, maybe I’d know what to do.” He reached for the notebook, and read the entirety of the lyrics. He read it quietly, and it made no expressions which made Taeil anxious. He didn’t know what he was thinking when he wrote it—well, he did. He was thinking of Johnny. But now that he read some of the lines with him, he now realized that they may be too baring, especially since many of the things he added are things that he and Johnny do regularly.

Slowly, Johnny looked up. “What’s the title?”

Taeil cleared his throat. They were still in their first year of Music Production so he isn’t very good at setting titles yet. “It’s _Same Time, Same Place._ ”

He smiled, a flush slowly creeping up from his neck up to his ears and forehead, before he finally closed the notebook. “It’s really nice,” he whispered.

“It is?” With the look on his face, it seemed like Johnny had figured out that the lyrics were for him. Taeil took the notebook from him and put it back into his bag before he set it on the ground beside him.

“What were you thinking of when you wrote it?” he asked. He might have had an inkling, but apparently, he was still unsure and is trying to make sure that the song was for him.

He looked at him, straight in his eyes, as he tried to figure out what it was with him that got him this intensely. Johnny was good-looking, but not as classically as Jaehyun. He was nice, but he wasn’t as nice as Taeyong. He was funny, but not nearly as funny as Jungwoo. So, he kept on wondering _why,_ for him, he was the absolute best? Why was he so _smitten_ for this boy? Eventually, he couldn’t help but whisper, “You.”

For a while, Johnny didn’t say anything, he just stared. Then eventually, his lips slowly turned into the brightest, most beautiful smile in the world.

—

_**September 2, 2012** _

_Moon,_

_How am I supposed to tell you? Everything around me screams that I should, that there was no reason for me to hide this and there was no reason for me to be afraid—but, oh there are so many reasons to be. There are so many reasons why I couldn’t just come up to you and say I’ve fallen in love. How can I? I will be putting we have at risk. The chance of being together is a much bigger price to handle, yes, but what we have—what we have is massive. Our friendship means so much to me I couldn’t even begin to describe how much I treasure the liberty of seeing the sunlight in your eyes, unabashed and limitless because what we have is pure._

_And I don’t want to tarnish it._

_Yeah, you’ve done and said things that had me thinking…maybe. Maybe there was something there. Maybe there was something that existed within you that meant the risk was worth it. But I can never be sure. I’m a coward, yes, I know. I talk so much around you, around others, but they’re just things. Those that matter, the words that matter—those are the words that I never expressed. Because what matters to me may destroy everything we have._

_I love your friendship too much._

_I love you too much to risk anything at all._

_Maybe someday._

_Maybe one day I’ll pluck up recklessness._

_Maybe we’d be together._

— 

Taeil and Johnny had both been seriously bent over their sheets of music as the final presentation approached quickly and there was no time for them to fuck around—the final presentation wasn’t just a project that weighed heavily on their grades but also presented a lot of possibilities for their future. The annual composition project usually received various offers from companies, whether it may be for training, or even offers for copyrights for their songs. Taeil honestly didn’t care for it that much, yes, he did like music arrangement and song engineering but he could always apply after college. Johnny, on the other hand, has been working on the project for months where he lengthily battled within himself about the tempo and genre. He finally settled for an alternative pop-sounding beat with a haunting bassline.

“How would you call this genre, hyung?”

“Dream pop? Ambient pop? I don’t know,” he shrugged and chuckled as Johnny groaned in exhaustion. “There’s something missing, it sounds complete but there’s something missing and I don’t know what it is.” He leaned towards Taeil, resting his head on his shoulder. Taeil reached for Johnny’s laptop and re-played the track for both of them to hear. Eventually, Taeil decided to hum. It was an indecisive melody, but he continued to hum over it anyway. Johnny froze, his hand clasping Taeil’s thigh slightly firmer. It was a melody that didn’t have to be the tone of the song but meant that another instrument has to be added, both over the existing bassline and underneath it.

Taeil paused the song and his humming, “You can use a synthesizer for that…if you want to add it.”

Johnny looked up, face dangerously close to Taeil’s—it was hard to breathe, not because of the lack of space but because his heart was beating too hard for him to even register anything else. “I don’t know how to use a synthesizer.”

“I can do it for you,” he offered right away, in the smallest voice—if everyone else can see him then, they would have a completely different opinion about Taeil. Flushed and breathless, his eyes glazed over and confused. No one else sees this but Johnny. Because no one else can make him feel this way.

“You have your own project,” Johnny frowned, voice deep and quiet. His arm goes to snake around Taeil’s waist as he attempted to sit even closer and closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against the older’s cheek.

“Mine’s done,” Taeil cleared his throat. “I don’t care for it much. I care about you more,” Taeil paused. “I care about _yours_ more, I mean. You have a better chance of getting an offer.”

“That’s not true,” Johnny looked up yet again, cupping Taeil’s cheek with his other hand, nudging him to look at him straight in the eye. “That’s not true, you’re talented and hardworking, and passionate.”

“I told you,” Taeil giggled, amused at Johnny’s concern. “Mine’s done. I can do it for you, I swear. There’s no problem.”

Johnny pressed their foreheads together before planting a soft, tentative kiss against the bridge of his nose. “Thank you, hyung.”

—

“I knew I’d find you here,” Taeil shut the heavy door behind him, locking it for good measure. The administration building rooftop was almost always open but very few were willing to pass through so many teachers’ offices just to get there. It’s almost always just Johnny there. Standing by the railings, leaning over dangerously, thinking, singing, and sometimes taking pictures. He often disappeared when he didn’t feel like interacting with others that much. Sometimes when he missed his parents, or when he didn’t like how his grades turned out—or for other reasons Taeil didn’t know. “Is it okay if I stood here with you?” he asked, dropping his bag onto the floor,

“Sure, hyung.” He answered as he pulled his camera out to take a picture of a passing bird.

“Are you okay?” he approached Johnny and put a hand on his back, tilting his head to get a good look at his face. Johnny faced him slowly and reached to run his fingers through Taeil’s longer, brown hair. Johnny got the highest grade for the project and was praised to high heavens by their teachers. They showered him with compliments and assured him that he was going to be contacted soon. Which he was—a huge recording company contacted him a few days later asking to meet with him about the song and even hiring him as a producer as soon as he graduates.

“Hyung.”

“Mm?”

“I met up with the people from the company today.”

“Really? What did they say?”

“They’re offering to buy the song from me, and they’re offering me a job,” he paused.

“Well, that’s good then, you don’t have to go to college you’ll have a stable—”

“—In New York.” That effectively shut Taeil up. All this time, when he thinks about his future, it constantly included Johnny in it. Johnny beside him, Johnny with him, Johnny all around him. This was the angle he hadn’t considered.

“That’s far,” he commented, giggling nervously. He didn’t have to think about what to say to Johnny, he _knew_ Johnny had to take that. That’s his dream—a once in a lifetime opportunity that didn’t just fall into anyone’s lap, this was the opportunity that Johnny has been praying for and working for in _years._ “You need to start packing early then, you have to decide which of your stuff to bring with you, I can take care of the things you can’t bring, you don’t have to worry.”

  


“Hyung,” Johnny stopped him. “I said no.”

“You said what now?”

“I said no,” Johnny shrugged. “I’m still too young to work in such a high stakes industry on my own. Plus, I want to go to college, I want to learn more before I enter into something this risky.”

Taeil hummed, he had a point. “But you sold them the song?”

“No.” he said flatly. “I’m taking it with me and I’m going to release it when I feel ready.”

Taeil nodded, understanding. “Well, that’s your decision and if you’re happy and content with it, then I am, too.”

“Hyung,” he turned to Taeil, sticking closer again as Taeil opens himself to him, giving him access through his open arms. “I love you.” Taeil froze, not at all expecting the words to come out of Johnny’s mouth—much less without warning. But he was already practically wrapped around Johnny, he just said the lyrics he wrote about walking someone home and wanting to see them every day was about him—it wasn’t like he hadn’t been obvious anyway. Emotions flooded him, ever since he decided to be true to himself, to never hide his true self, he had never been this tongue-tied and he has never been so petrified in his life. Johnny was the first person who looked pass his stereotypically “bad” image and genuinely befriended him, he even tirelessly convinced everyone to do the same. He’s kind, enthusiastic, passionate, ambitious, hardworking, and soft it was impossible for Taeil to not feel anything.

“Don’t you… feel the same?”

There was no sense in denying it, anyone with eyes can see how in love he is with the taller boy pouting in front of him. “It’s impossible for me not to feel the same, idiot.”

—

_**November 14, 2012** _

_To my dear Moon,_

_This is our first time apart now that we’re a couple and I'm not just missing you. I miss the way my world turns when I'm with you; I miss the way the world smells like love around you; I miss the sound of blood rushing to my ears when you say you love me, too._

_I’ve realized just now: distance sucks. Why can’t I just crawl into a wormhole and see you tonight? Every fiber of my being misses you: your eyes, your lips, your heart._

_Jaehyun is already sleeping, dead to the world, but I'm still up, looking up at the bright moon thinking you may still be there, up on your window seat and maybe - just maybe - looking up at it, too. I’m coming back, soon, when this thing is finally over, and I can finally see you again._

_I know I texted you today. I know we talked before I had to go again. But there's something being bared about writing this and opening myself up to you like this. This way, I feel so honest, and I’ve never been so sure, now more than ever:_

_I love you. So much. More than you’ll ever understand. More than distance can limit._

_Yours,_

_Suh_

—

His four years in college were the best in his life. People cared less about his physical appearance so he put some of his piercings back, bared some of his tattoos, and on their Junior year since it was most noticeable, he didn’t dye his hair to an outrageous style just yet but gave it an undercut instead. The first time Johnny had seen the change, he had been more than pleased.

“ _Oh my God,”_ he gasped as soon as he noticed. They shared an apartment, which wasn’t such a good decision considering they both couldn’t cook to save their lives. Some ramen and other instant food, maybe, but they relied on Taeyong for healthy, home-cooked ones. “You have an undercut.” He commented dumbly.

Taeil couldn’t help but smile while his boyfriend followed him with his eyes, mouth agape. “ _What?”_ he demanded.

“Nothing,” Johnny whispered, getting back to reading his book.

—

_**November 11, 2016** _

_Moon,_

_What the fuck? Can you_ at least _warn me? That came out of absolutely nowhere. How am I supposed to survive an attack like that? You know how weak I am when it comes to those bad boy hairstyles. Hehe. You did know that when we met, I totally had the hots for your blond hair, right? I don’t know if I’m attracted to the naughty hair, or I am more attracted to seeing you comfortable, pleased, and happy with yourself. I think I’m with the latter. Nothing compares to that tiny spark in your eyes when you’re comfortable with yourself and it reminds me of why I am_ so _attracted to you. You’re so hot I can’t even keep it in my pants sometimes._

 _Uwu aside, that_ undercut.

_That undercut made me want to be punished and called a whore while you tie me up and make me beg. But you have exams tomorrow so I can’t distract you. And don’t think it’s just the undercut—no matter what hairstyle it is, I’m always gonna find a way to thirst over you, so maybe, once again, it’s just you. You bring out not just the best in me, but also the horniest in me. Okay, TMI, this is a letter._

_I love you, baby._

_Suh_

—

“Babe.”

Taeil smiled in his slumber, loving the fact that he could even take beautiful Youngho even inside his dreams. His deep, affectionate voice caressing his soul as he floated in between the dimensions of dream and reality.

“Baby, wake up.” Taeil woke with a start and immediately asked himself why he thought dreams were good when _this_ was his reality. “You’ve been napping again; you’ll get a headache,” he chastised gently, kissing his forehead in the process. “Taeyong made us dinner, so I’m gonna heat it and then we can have dinner, okay? Are you feeling better?” Taeil’s been coughing for quite a while now and Johnny has been fretting over him unnecessarily but he just found it endearing if anything.

He nodded and got up groggily, rolling over to the edge of the bed dangerously. “Hey, don’t roll out like that. Let me help you,” Johnny offered both of his arms. He was still in his outside clothes—a dark blue sweater and dark pants and his round-rimmed glasses. If you were to look at them individually, it’s almost difficult to imagine they were together. Johnny was a big bundle of warmth and optimism and energy with his oversized sweaters and turtlenecks and coffee. While Taeil hid his secret weird and dark humor behind his obscenely dark look—his leather jackets and his piercings and tattoos. It was difficult to envision him with Johnny, but in reality, there was nothing difficult about being with him. Taeil pulled him down, messing with him but the younger immediately retaliated through pulling him by the back of his head.

“I have a cold, no,” Taeil frowned pulling himself away from his boyfriend who had begun the attempt to crawl over him. “Johnny, no, you’re gonna get sick.” The younger then diverted himself to kissing his cheeks affectionately before moving to the side of his neck and up to his temple. Four years ago, if you told Taeil he’d be sick in bed with a boyfriend kissing his entire head and giggling in bed with him he would have flexed on you then walked away. But it was him right at that moment—filled with so much bliss and overwhelmingly happy. He has been ever since he’d met Johnny.

“I love you,” Taeil whispered against Johnny’s hair. The taller leaned up on his elbows, staring down at him.

“I’m just gonna drink vitamin C and a lot of water after,” and without warning, he had leaned down to kiss him on the lips. “Mmm,” he smiled. “I love you, too. So much.”

—

A week later, when Taeil was finally better and clear of his cough and cold, Johnny started getting sick. He could only shake his head in fondness while he helped him eat as he smiled through his chills. “It was worth it.”

“Shut up and finish your food,” Taeil kissed the top of his head and got up from the bed to clean the room. Johnny was usually very neat and liked to clean after himself but the flu is making his aim much weaker. “This is the last time I’m gonna pick up your tissues from the floor, these have your snot in them, ew.” He tried to exaggerate through fake throwing up as Johnny relaxed against the sheets. “So, you need to get better quick.”

“Yes, baby, thank you.”

Taeil took the trash can with him out the door as he tried to segregate their waste—Johnny always fussed about saving the environment and they separated the biodegradable and non-biodegradable as efficiently as possible. So when Taeil found an envelope in the trash he made sure to pick it up to separate the tiny film of plastic. But what he read made him stop short. It was a letter from the same recording studio who had attempted to recruit him when they were almost finished with high school, and they were inviting him to work with them again.

But it was in the trash.

Confused, he walked back to their room as he held the envelope out for Johnny to see. “Did you see this? Did I accidentally throw this out?” Johnny looked at the envelope in his hand and looked away right away.

“I threw it away,” he explained, reaching for his phone on the bedside table.

“Why?”

“Because I’ve told them no and I still don’t want to. I told you, I want to finish college first. Plus, I don’t want to leave you.” Previous insecurities—insecurities that _he_ might be holding Johnny back from reaching his full potential.

“How many times have you rejected them?” Johnny didn’t answer. “Suh Youngho, answer me, how many times have they tried to recruit you?”

He looked down guiltily, “That’s the sixth letter.”

“Sixth!” Taeil was filled with a feeling that he can’t exactly identify. Yes, he wanted Johnny with him but he can’t stomach thinking that Johnny is just letting it all go. Does he not see what Taeil sees? His dreams are _so_ within touch, and Taeil knew he still wanted it. “Are you trying to use me a reason for your fear of going? Johnny I’ll let you go if you wanted it so bad when I said ‘I love you’ that included your dreams, too. Do you think I need you so unhealthily that I won’t be able to survive if you went away?”

“Don’t say that,” Johnny grit out, uncharacteristically weak. “It’s not that you’d need me. But I’ll need you. Please, babe, just… I don’t want to go, okay? At least not now.” Johnny deflated against his headboard and sank into the pillows quietly. Taeil walked over to hold onto him as a gesture of comfort and understanding. He understood and respected his decision, but he couldn’t chase the voice at the back of his mind that nagged him about him holding Johnny back. They were happy together—so happy, but he didn’t want to look at them, 20, 30 years from then and fight over anything remotely related to this. Taeil won’t be able to live with himself.

“Okay, I’ll let you decide on your own.”

“Thank you, baby.”

  


—

  


Jungwoo sat on the floor with Taeil. It was supposed to be their 8thanniversary together if he hadn’t broken up with Johnny. Instead of moping and crying it out, he’s obsessively organizing his things, dusting them and deciding which to throw away and which he wanted to keep. Donghyuck was cooking downstairs, which mainly meant that he was giving Jungwoo the chance to talk to Taeil.

“Hyung?” Jungwoo asked softly. “You can vent and cry while we’re here.”

Taeil smiled, confused look on his face. “Why would I? I’m fine, I’m happy, extremely jubilant.” The answer seemed too defensive to Jungwoo who refused to give it up.

“Hyung, that’s too many positive adjectives, and one of them isn’t something I’ve even heard you say before,” he smiled. “Donghyuck and I, we worry, and the hyungs, too. We just didn’t want you to be alone today, you understand, right?”

Taeil nodded, and he appreciated it immensely. If he was being honest, he couldn’t even imagine how it would be if he had been alone that day. “I understand, thank you,” his voice shook involuntarily. “But when I say I’m happy, I really am,” he reached over to run soothing pats on Jungwoo’s back when he had started tearing up a little. He stood up and opened one of his drawers and took out a small an album with a black and white cover, and still had its protective plastic around it.

“Look at this,” he squatting in front of Jungwoo. “Do you know what that is?”

“An American album?” he answered, inspecting the cover. “And it’s a bestseller.”

“Turn it over,” Taeil instructed. By the way Jungwoo looked up with a surprised face, he figured he had found the _Produced by: Johnny Suh_ at the back of the album. “ _That,_ right there, is why even though I miss him with every nerve in my body, I will never be sad that I let him go.”

—

_**January 17, 2017** _

_My beloved Moon,_

_In 2013, you hid everything that you are for me._

_In 2014, you put everything aside for me._

_In 2015, you forgot your own choices and just went with me._

_In 2016, you gave your all to show me you loved me._

_In 2017, you respected every decision I made even though your insecurities still bother you._

_My love, please don’t think that I’m just pushing everything aside for you. Please don’t think that it is the hardest thing that I could ever do in my life. I am not pushing everything aside for you because you are my everything as cliché as that may sound. Everything is nothing compared to you. Leaving you will be harder—you are all I have I still can’t imagine choosing something else over you, so please just let me stay for now. I know you love my dreams, too, but I’m honestly not in the least bit ready to be away from you._

_Maybe someday._

_Maybe never._

_I love you._

_Suh_

—

“Johnny,” he took his attention. They were sitting in the dining room across each other and Taeil doesn’t know if he is ready to do this—if he will ever be ready to do this. But there was no other time but now.

“What is this,” Johnny smiled awkwardly, sensing the tension. “Sounds serious.” He joked.

“We need to break up.”

The teaspoon he’d been holding almost fell from his grasp. “What? What happened? What brought this on?” he let the teaspoon go as he quickly moved to the chair nearest to Taeil, panicked. “Hey, what’s happening?”

“I already told you, we need to break up.”

“Taeil…” he had mentally prepared himself in case Johnny cries, but just like everything that Johnny is, he is never prepared when he does. “What did I do? I can change it. Please tell me what I can do to fix it, _please._ I don’t want to break up, please.” Johnny held tightly onto his hand, steadying it while his other hand shook aggressively. He tried so hard not to feel emotional.

“Johnny, we need to let go, we need to break up.”

“No, no, no, please. We _were fine,_ we just went out to play the other day, remember? We were okay, we were happy, _what happened?_ Tell me, please.” He leaned his forehead against Taeil’s shoulder, crying against it. Taeil needed to end it right away, he was losing his resolve and he might never get it back. He was hurting Johnny, and he was hurting himself.

“Did you find someone else? Do you want to live apart for a while? It’s fine, I can go. We can take a break, it’s fine.” He clutched Taeil’s hand harder, strong and desperate. “But not break up, _please,_ we can’t.”

“It’s none of those,” he answered quietly and honestly.

Johnny stopped sniffing and slowly, looked up. “Did they call again? Is this what it is?”

“They called,” he confirmed.

“Taeil, I told you _hundreds_ of times, I’m not ready.”

“Well, you should be!” Taeil finally snapped, taking his arm away. “They’ve offered you this when you were eighteen, Johnny, eighteen, it made sense that you weren’t ready, but it’s been six years, Johnny, you’re twenty-four now, you’re just avoiding them, you’re just avoiding the decision. They told me that it was the _last_ time that they’ll call to offer you the job, Johnny. The _last_ time.”

“I won’t take it then.”

“ _This,_ this is the exact immaturity that I had been frustrated about,” Taeil started spewing absurdities, anything, just _anything_ to make Johnny go. “Johnny you don’t understand what’s at stake right now, you have been leading them on. ‘when i’m in college’, ‘when i finish college’, ‘after 1 year of experience’, blah blah blah, what are you supposed to tell them now? That you aren’t going because you have a boyfriend? Because you don’t want to leave your boyfriend? Well, shit, it’s my fault now.”

“I told you, you don’t have to feel guilty about it!”

“Well, I do!” he raised his voice enough to startle Johnny. “I do, Johnny, and I can’t stand seeing you thinking that I’m destroying you.” Johnny frowned and tried to reach for him. “You’re not going because you don’t want to leave your boyfriend? Well, tough luck, your boyfriend is leaving you.”

Before Johnny could reach for him again, he abruptly left his seat and grabbed the bag he had prepared exactly to prepare for this outcome. He took his jacket from the hook and shrugged it on. “I’m going to Taeyong’s don’t wait up.” With all his might and all the strength he has remaining, summoning everything he learned from his years in theater, he slammed the door behind him and ran—ran as far as his heavy heart could take him.

When he realized he’d ran far enough he finally stopped and leaned against a street lamp post, and started sobbing into his hand. He knew it was going to have to happen eventually, he’d played every single scenario in his mind, and none quite achieved his desired output as perfectly as breaking up. The only way Johnny would voluntarily go and focus on working there was if they broke up and didn’t speak after it. He knew he was being ridiculous and dramatic but he knew Johnny—he will find other solutions and those solutions may mean that he was only going to try it out, that he wasn’t going to take it, and many other options that meant he could keep Taeil, but Taeil didn’t want to be kept. Taeil wanted to stop weighing him down.

Dialing Taeyong’s number, he continued to sob.

“Hello? Hyung?”

“Taeyong?" he asked through his sobs. "Can you come and pick me up?”

—

_**March 18, 2018** _

_Moon,_

_You want me to leave that bad, huh?_

_It’s okay. I’ll leave._

_I’ll write a thousand songs for you._

_I know you had to do it to force me to go, and by doing that I guess you think I must have wanted it more than anything in the world. But that’s not true. I would have wanted nothing else but you. But I knew you wouldn’t understand. Making you happy is more important to me, too, so if this makes you happy, then I’ll go._

_I hope you’ll wait for me, though._

_Suh_

—

Taeil was confused. Where was he supposed to go next, then? Is Taeyong sure he wouldn’t be stopped by airport security here?

“Taeyong, where am I supposed to go, I can’t find it,” he asked into the phone as he tried to make sense of the paper in his hand.

“There’s are guides in the airport, ask them where the cargo pick-up area is,” he could hear him running around in the background. “Did you bring your card? There’s a fine for every day I didn’t pick it up so you might have to pay a penalty fee.”

“Yeah, I brought it,” he answered absent-mindedly. He found a woman with the airport logo printed on her shirt and asked her for directions.

“I’m really sorry about this, hyung, I will make it up to you, I promise. I just couldn’t fit that in my schedule today, I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

Taeil stepped onto the escalator going up, following the instructions of the cleaning lady. “ _Pay me back?_ You owe me lunch, mister, do you have any idea how confusing all this is? I haven’t had—” something took Taeil’s attention and made him stop right away. On the top of the escalator going down was a whole group of new arrivals and towering over them was a man in eyeglasses who looked _so much_ like Johnny.

“Hyung?” Taeyong asked from the other line. “Are you upset? I’m sorry.”

“No, no, I’m fine, wait,” he wasn’t wearing his glasses so he still couldn’t see who the person was. There’s a huge possibility that it wasn’t Johnny, of course, he’d been wrong before. While the escalator was going down Taeil kept trying to squint for a good look. The tall man was looking away but as his own escalator kept going down the figure had become clearer and clearer.

“Johnny?” he called out, right when they were closest, the man turned around and it _was_ Johnny. Taeil gasped. His hair was shorter and darker, and the five years had made him more mature but it was him.

“Taeil?” he looked back while his escalator continued on its descent while Taeil continued to ascend. “Hyung!” Johnny looked around frantically. It seemed like everyone around him were with him as they tried to help him run down the escalator quickly, and one of them offered to take his bag for him.

Taeil himself ran up the stairs as fast as he could and signaled to Johnny that he was going down himself. “Wait there!” he moved to the other side and ran down from the second escalator. His heart was beating so fast—it’s Johnny, it’s Johnny, he’s here—and he didn’t know if it was all the running or it’s just because _he’s here._ When he’d completed his dangerous flight down, he’d ignored every single thought in his brain right at that instant and ran up to him.

Just like old times, Johnny had his arms open just in time for him to slam against him. “Ow,” he groaned against his hair. Taeil held on as tight as he could he didn’t care if he couldn’t breathe.

“Oh my God,” Taeil breathed against his neck. “Oh my God.”

“Five years? And that’s all you can say?” Johnny giggled pulling away to look at him. It was then that Taeil noticed that the ten people Johnny arrived with had been watching them the entire time. He flushed deeply as he tried to detach himself from the taller boy to save his image. Johnny watched him and let him go a little, but not completely, he still held onto the hem of Taeil’s shirt.

He bowed politely, “Taeil these are people from the company,” he gestured to them generally. “And company people, this is Moon Taeil, he’s my, uhhh…” Johnny took a quick glance at him. One of the girls smiled and rolled her eyes.

“We know who he is,” she smiled. “Anyone who has worked with any of your songs with you knew who he is the moment we saw him.” She teased and Taeil tried not to explode from embarrassment. It was true. Johnny has made some songs and lyrics which were obviously directed at him. One of the songs even described him down to the mole by his ear.

Johnny turned to him, “What are you doing here?” The distance between them (although very little) was killing Taeil. He wanted to be with him again, he wanted to _feel_ him again, he just wanted to—without thinking about it, he pulled Johnny back into a tight hug. His brain is 50% puddle and 50% mud and he couldn’t seem to process anything other than Johnny’s smell, Johnny’s skin, Johnny’s face, Johnny’s everything. If he was dreaming _again_ he doesn’t know how he’d be able to survive when it’s this _real._ “Taeyong asked a favor from me, I need to get something from the cargo pick-up upstairs.” Johnny nodded against his shoulder.

Taeil inhaled deeply before asking, “When are you going back to New York?”

“Not for a while,” he answered. Taeil was elated, but he still didn’t know what that meant for them. “I have a meeting with everyone so I need to go, but I’m gonna text everyone, I’ll explain to everyone at dinner, I’ll text you, okay?”

“Okay,” he breathed.

Johnny moved away, looked at him, smiled, took a step forward and planted a kiss on his forehead. “See you tonight, babe.”

The moment Johnny walked away and he had to watch him do so, blood started pumping back into his veins and he felt like after five years, he could breathe again.

—

  


_Eight P.M._

_He’ll see him again at eight pm._

Taeil sat on his floor, staring at the black box he’d found the day Johnny went to New York. There was still of them left, but he decided to leave those for later. But one of them, dated the latest, the last Johnny had written before he left was what he had been curious about for years and something that he’d been wanting to read but he’d been putting off. He’d been saving it for when Johnny comes back—and this was the perfect moment for it. To know what Johnny had felt right before he left. He wasn’t completely ready, what if he’d moved on? What if he said he planned to do that, in the letter?

Well, he wasn’t exactly sure if it was a _letter_ exactly. Since it was written on the back of a receipt.

Turning it over. He started reading: _My love, Moon_

—

Dinner was as festive as you can imagine. Everyone at the table had no hard feelings for Johnny leaving and was just excited to see him back. They kept updating each other about each other’s lives. Ten and Taeyong were already living together, Ten was a choreographer just like he always wanted to be, and Taeyong worked with Taeil at the recording company. Although he was a composer and lyricist while Taeil was a sound engineer with a hand in production. The children took different paths, which was expected since they majored in different things back in high school. In the middle of dinner, Johnny had rested a hand on top of Taeil’s knee and continued to talk to Jungwoo while the older just stared at it. The weight was welcome, the weight was something he’d been craving for years, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“So,” Johnny took everyone’s attention. “The company is branching out and we’ve just purchased a huge chunk of an entertainment company here where they’ll be debuting a new soloist, and I’ll lead the production team. This new company, together with me and my entire team have seven-year contracts. So…” he smiled warmly, mainly at Taeil. “I’m back. For good.”

At the end of the night, everyone started taking their leave, all with light hearts and tipsy minds. It was only until an overly-excited Mark was dragged off by Hyuck that the two were left alone.

“Can I walk you home?” he quietly offered. Johnny knew their old apartment was still near, but he did not know if his ex still lived there. “Wait, do you still live… near here?” Taeil nodded, leaving the house would have been the final nail to the coffin that he was even extremely reluctant to close. Of course, he wouldn’t leave it.

They walked in the cold, side by side, their footsteps synching and their silence tangible. “How are you?” Johnny asked quietly.

“I’m doing good, still Sound Engineer. Same old.” Taeil tried to add, _well, you’ve seen me as a sound engineer, imagine that, yes, it’s still exactly that_ since nothing in his life has changed really. Maybe except for the fact that 50% of his life left with Johnny. But yeah, he’s okay. “You?”

“Tired.”

Taeil chuckled. “I figured you’d be.” Taeil looked forward and realized that they were merely a block away from their old apartment. “I listen to them,” he added, mostly because of panic. “The songs you produced, I mean.”

“I do, too.”

“Of course, they’re your songs.”

“No,” Johnny laughed, and Taeil was immediately filled with positive emotion as soon as he heard it. “I meant I listen to the songs you work on, too. Taeyong points them out to me. Sometimes sends me an entire screenshot of all the songs you’ve worked on as soon as they’re available for streaming.”

“Thank you.”

“No need, it’s…your style is familiar to me. When I listen to your songs I can pinpoint the exact details that you added yourself. And sometimes I can imagine you working on it, and it motivates me to work on mine. You know… since we’re always working together, side by side.”

Taeil smiled softly as they turned the last block until the apartment was within view. “Are you still angry at me?” Taeil finally asked. He stopped underneath the streetlight, waiting for Johnny to stop himself. He had been scared of the answer for years—it’s one of the things that he’d been worrying about and what he’d been dreading to ask. But he needed to know. He did, after all, break his heart.

“Hyung, no,” it was almost comforting how the answer came right away. “I was never angry at you. I was confused at first, yeah. But I knew you, I knew why you did it. We talked after, right? We agreed that it was the best option,” he walked forward, biting his lips anxiously. “And I texted you when I was on the plane, you read that, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. He tentatively tried to reach for Johnny’s wrist but he was halfway there and offered his wrist instead. “I just want you to know…” he fidgeted. For years, Johnny had always been the first—they _both_ danced around each other, that’s for sure, but eventually, Johnny initiated everything that got them to a point where they were inseparable. “I still feel the same…you know. I still love you.”

In one moment, Taeil was standing under a streetlight, holding onto Johnny’s wrist while he looked at his feet, and in the next moment, he was pressed against the brick wall, with Johnny towering over him—their lips pressing fervently against each other, their hands roaming frantically as if they didn’t know where to put them. Taeil decided to settle both his hands on Johnny’s jaw, urging him steady as Johnny’s arms finally settle around his waist, pressing them together impossibly _closer_ until he was close—too close to lifting him off the ground. Taeil’s nerves were on fire as he had not gotten this much Johnny in so long the long-inactive nerves inside his body that only reacted to Johnny finally awakened and he could only muster their reactions through his hands and lips.

Everything in Taeil missed Johnny. There was no part of him that didn’t. Eventually, the nagging voice was back, shouting at him that Johnny had not said if it was the same for him or not. He pulled back and panted while he tried to get his wits back.

“Sorry,” Johnny breathed. “I…” he looked at Taeil, who seemed thoroughly kissed with his swollen lips, messy hair, and messy shirt. “Look, I…” he stepped forward nervously, reaching to caress Taeil’s face in his hand, running a thumb against his cheek while he struggled to catch his breath. “There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think of you and how I wanted to write songs, not just to achieve my dream but to make you see that I am living my dream because of you. And I _missed you so much._ ”

Taeil smiled and leaned against his touch.

“And of course, I’m still in love with you. I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with anyone else who isn’t you.”

Taeil felt his heart surge—and he couldn’t help but feel woozy and overwhelmed. “I’m sorry if I’m making you feel too many all at once, but, we were together six years and in the five years did I consider us to have broken up. Whenever anyone asks, I’d say we were “taking a break”,” he smiled, remembering that morning when he ran into Johnny’s workmates. “But they still consider you my boyfriend because I still consider you my boyfriend.”

“Well, I’m surrounded by people who _know_ we broke up,” he shrugged, teasing Johnny. “But everyone knows I’m just waiting for you.”

“And I’m here now,” he smiled, moving closer again.

“You’re here now,” no matter how hardcore and harsh Taeil looked like with his fiery red hair and tattoo sleeves, and his multiple piercings, everyone can see how he transformed into soft mush when Johnny was involved. He was too in love with the boy to be able to mask what he felt just for his image.

“And you love me,” Johnny whispered, mere centimeters away from Taeil, their breaths mingling and their universes colliding back together.

“And you love me, too.”

“Yes, I do.”

_**May 27, 2018** _

_We’re eating at a McDonalds a few days before I’m set to go and you’re being greedy with your nuggets again, I just want a bite why are you so stingy._

_I’m not sure why I agreed to leave when until now I’m still not ready to leave. But I wanted to talk to you again so I just had to concede. I’m just gonna take this as the chance for me to go after my dreams while all I needed is that one last push from you._

_Do we really have to break up, though?_

_Do we really have to?_

_I’ll miss you, so much. I miss you already, only from across this table._

_The night that you broke up with me, I actually had other plans for that night. I was so sure I wanted to stay with you that I was gonna propose. But maybe now I’ll have to wait until I come back, then I’ll pull the ring back out. When I come back, and you still love me, I’m gonna marry the fuck out of you, watch out, because I’m sure I’m still going to want to marry you. Three years from now, five years from now, ten years from now. Whenever it’s gonna be, one thing is for sure, it’s still going to be you._

_I love you. So much._

_Suh_

  
  
  



End file.
